Monday, 7 March 2011

Beknighting Talke!

[AAC Fat Comptroller: Whoever is releasing these scripts to Live Skive, would you please stop, otherwise we will have you posted to the Neue Wurlde Servace.]

Crawling Slurry: Yeah, high there, for some more fun, fun, fun as two teams go head to head to garble as much nonsense as they can, while the rest of us hold our bellies laughing at how much taxpayers money we are being paid. Who is first with a joke? Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Five points.

Guest: But I haven't said anything yet!?

Crawling Slurry: Oh yes, sorry. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Tell me, guest, what topical nonsense have you got for us today?

Guest: Well I was thinking about Wayne Rooney and how funny it is that he plays football.

Crawling Slurry: Ha ha ha. That's a good one. Ha ha. Ha. Five points. [Buzzer sounds.]

Guest: If Wayne Rooney was a tea towel then he would be one with a map of Dorset on it.

Crawling Slurry: Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's great.

Guest: My taxi driver was telling me on the way here that he had Cheryl Cole in his cab the other week. He said if I was getting paid the money you were getting paid...

Crawling Slurry: Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And the winner at the end of that round is Mike with thirteen points. Do you want to be famous? Yeah, me too! Well, join us next week when we will have more guests who are so anonymous that they will make you feel like Michael Jackson and the Queen's non-so-secret love childe.


From the Producer: Here is the skeleton of a script. Just make the rest up as you usually do.

Francis Bacon: Welcome to today's edition of Live Skive, my name is Francis Bacon and today we will be talking about me. What is your favourite moment from all my shows on Live Skive? What is your favourite oneliner from my works of philosophy? Which of my great public offices do you think I excelled in the most?

I know that this is a topic that you have all been dying to talk about, and I am sure that you will have loads of great things to say about me...

[Two hours later:] And now for something a little different. The question that we are asking is what to say to the Bacon-deniers. Now I know that this is difficult to believe, but there are still some people, who call themselves Shakespearists, who still deny that I wrote all of Shakespeare. Despite all the evidence to the contrary and all the documentaries on the BBC and CNN and despite Baconists getting the lion's share of government funding for their researches and their colleges, there are still some people out there who think that there existed such a man as William Shakespeare, and that he actually wrote all that stuff. 

Well to show how broadminded we are, you will be hearing a range of views on the subject. We have with us today Prof. Anthony Bacon, who famously first proposed that Bacon-deniers should be hung, drawn and quartered without trial, a view that is now, I think we would agree, pretty orthodox... but pioneering in its day. Good to have you with us, Professor Bacon.

Prof Bacon: Good to be here.

Francis Bacon: And we have Mrs Anne Bacon, famous translator, and a woman.

Anne Bacon: Hi.

Francis Bacon: And we have Lord Burghley, who takes the rather controversial view that Bacon-deniers should be rehabilitated, if they consent to have all their toenails and fingernails pulled out at the Tower of London in full public view, and I am sure that we will have some letters about that later on...

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

What's your favourite toothpick?

Hi and Welcome to Livery at ten. My name is Livery, spelt L-I-V-E-R-Y for those of you who have never listened to us before.

Last week we talked about boiled eggs from important moments in your life. This week we turn to the interesting subject of your favourite toothpick. The lines are open now so call us up... we expect this to be a really hot topic.

Tonight's special guests are Strumpet Doilly of Doilly's hairsalon, and Mike Miketymike, who's just a friend. Strumpet, what was your favourite toothpick.

Ooh, Livery, that's a hard one. Oh, ha, ha, a mean a difficult one. I mean it is hard, very...

Yes :(

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Millwall v West Ham

Well this is terrible news of course ... football has gone back at least 7000 years ... now let's go over to our correspondent in the stadium. Matt, you were in the stadium tonight, at the match, terrible scenes ... children at the match ... children on the pitch. Right well that's enough serious analysis, philosophical and historical insight for at least enough another 7000 years. So let's go on to a more important issue, how the government will go on to track us further, by putting up 100,000 cameras on our roads, and getting rid of one of the genuinely environmental taxes, fuel tax, and replacing it with stasi-type citizen-tracking.

More tomorrow night from LiveSkive, moral sewer of the UK! Dim-dum-dim-dim ... this is LiveSkive.

Monday, 5 March 2007

LiveSkive News DriveFive

And now... it's over to Peter Alane and Rachel Heavyweight for tonight's Skivetime LiveSkive News DriveLive HiFive.

Thank you for joining us.

Tonight the CBB may exclusively reveal that we are the centre of a major news story.

The bad, bad government, who you all know is very evil for invading the peaceloving Shia and Sunni happiness community of Iraqistan, and for being too friendly with the Tyranical Dictatorland of Americaville, boo hiss, and for generally not doing what we want, when we want it now, has received an injucntion, through the Attorney General, from the Metropolitan Police, Peace Be Upon Them, to, er, shut up.

Now we are not allowed to tell you what is in this e-mail, which may not be an e-mail, and which may or may not have been sent from Ruth Turner, and possible or definately had a lot or little to do with Lord Levy, but after hours of stropping and huffing and puffing, we are now able to reveal that it is an e-mail that we are not to tell you about, and there it is: there is no story to report and nothing that we can tell you, but for the next fifteen minutes let's talk more about our not being able to talk about evidence from an ongoing investigation, because this is unprecedented, or at least very different, from a court case, where, er, we wouldn't be allowed to prejudice proceedings, er, anyway...

[Viewers, collectively: yawn]

Thursday, 15 February 2007

Heavy Leaves Falling Everywhere

[AAC Secret transcript: not to be leaked to Private Eye] And now for today's top story, the story of the millenium... and the one before that... and probably the one before that...

[slightly offended] Heavy leaves have been literally plastering some parts of South Wales and the Midlands overnight, causing the biggest fall of leaves since the Magna Carta. In parts of Birmingham and Coventry more leaves fell in ten seconds than had ever fallen since Darwin began evolution over 500 years ago. "According to our authorities at the Let's Take a Bet Office, "leaves fall off the trees most years, but we haven't see so many leaves precipating before. It's quite unprecedented." Scientists have been pouring in their thousands into our studios today to tell us that Global Warming is to blame. [Except for a few evil American scientists who are probably not real scientists anyway.]

Over now to our own correspondents in Birmingham, Coventry, Telford, Rugby, Kidderminster, Lichfield and Leamington Spa... (The AAC is the only Corporation to have correspondents based permanently in Birmingham, Coventry, Telford, Rugby, Kidderminster, Lichfield and Leamington Spa, not that they ever stand a chance of making the Six O'clock News, or anyone at hq knows who they are or even gives a damn!)

[In Unison (yes, we are all members)] Around me here is a scene of utter devastation as drivers desperately try to battle through at least two inches of leaves, which have fallen in the last twenty four hours alone.

All around Southern England are hundreds of lorries toppled over by the heavy leaffall, like this one here from our archive recordings, and every single school has declared a state of emergency and shall be shut for at least four months.

Our Birmingham Correspondent is on the line now from the Education Department at Birmingham City Council: "Yes, Simon, thanks. Birmingham Schools were the first to announce this morning their results, and we have just had declarations in from Wrexham and Oswestry, who are going to be shut for three months, but the surprise package is..." [Ed.: ENOUGH OF THAT!] Yes, we seem to have had some technical difficultly on the line there to Simon, but we will be back with him shortly once we've got that sorted out. Right now, moving on...

The Prime Minister has just broken off his latest foreign fact-finding mission to Tuscany to give this press release to a worried nation. [Long bit of Blair. Cameron? No cut the Cameron.] The Queen is said to be distraught and the Archbishop of Cantebury and leaders of all the faith communities in Britain are staying in close consultation even as we speak. According to Vatican sources, the Pope was said to be griefstruck when he heard the news and expressed his keenest sympathies for all the Britisher perzonnen vaging var against the such a blitzkreig of leafen.

We spoke to at least one worried local businessman who spoke about the devastating effect of today's leaffall on his week's takings.

Hajdeep Jones: Yes, well, yes, well, yes, well, the shop has been a bit quiet today, although that is mostly because Mrs Jones hasn't been able to make it down the road today, since she had her fall on Tuesday.

AAC Ace Correspondent: Yes, but tell me uneducated shopkeeper, what's your reasoned scientific opinion that Global Warming is to blame for the recent heavy leaffalls?

Hajdeep Jones: Well, yes, since we all emit too many greenhouse gases from our cars, particularly as during the recent hosepipe ban, global warming has caused acid rain to stop falling in the Amazon which is why there are so many leaves falling and your kind ten-man sound crew is giving me so much good business today for which I am so very grateful.

AAC Ace Correspondent: No, but, no, but, no, but, what would your advise your fellow shopkeepers and people from the village to do to cut down their contribution to Global Warming and the resultant heavy leaffall before we face environmental catastrophe when the world is going to end as we know it and the very future of earthen matter is placed in jeopardy?

Hajdeep Jones: Well, I guess people need to stop shopping at big nasty supermarkets with their big nasty cars and use nice environmentally-sensitive local stores like mine, where you can get a tin of beans from just £2.65.

AAC Ace Correspondent: So as Mr Jones here was saying, if we don't stop using our cars and buy a bus pass, then leaffalls like this one will become more and more common.

Over to Karen for the weather.

[aside] Right, boys, back in the truck.
[well to the side] I think we might need to edit that last piece.

Friday, 9 February 2007

Daily Lute Sports Pages

The Scotia Morris Dancing Team currently competing in the junior world championships in Kenyaland are losing to Kenyaland in the tournament final. Over to owr team back in the studio in Lundenne with more from Kenyaland.
"I didn't even know Scotia had a Morris Dansinge Team."
"Who is the Captain?"
"Let's see: I reckon it is one of Majid, Haj Gavin, Haimlton Brown..."
"Don't you think it is a bit riche of us Englishe to tease the Scotis. Look at how we, the home of Morris Dansign are suffereen performance-wisse in worold termes just now."
"Ah... ah... ah... well you see the difference is that English loose to good teams like Australiaburg and Zealand and the Indees, whereas Scotia have just lost in the tournament finale to Kenyaland."
"But surely no-one in Scotia even cares abut Morris Dansigne?"
"No... no... no... I think there will be billions of ordinarie Scotis standing by their locale beacon relay statione waiting for news of impending defeat."