Monday, 7 March 2011

Beknighting Talke!

[AAC Fat Comptroller: Whoever is releasing these scripts to Live Skive, would you please stop, otherwise we will have you posted to the Neue Wurlde Servace.]

Crawling Slurry: Yeah, high there, for some more fun, fun, fun as two teams go head to head to garble as much nonsense as they can, while the rest of us hold our bellies laughing at how much taxpayers money we are being paid. Who is first with a joke? Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Five points.

Guest: But I haven't said anything yet!?

Crawling Slurry: Oh yes, sorry. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Tell me, guest, what topical nonsense have you got for us today?

Guest: Well I was thinking about Wayne Rooney and how funny it is that he plays football.

Crawling Slurry: Ha ha ha. That's a good one. Ha ha. Ha. Five points. [Buzzer sounds.]

Guest: If Wayne Rooney was a tea towel then he would be one with a map of Dorset on it.

Crawling Slurry: Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's great.

Guest: My taxi driver was telling me on the way here that he had Cheryl Cole in his cab the other week. He said if I was getting paid the money you were getting paid...

Crawling Slurry: Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And the winner at the end of that round is Mike with thirteen points. Do you want to be famous? Yeah, me too! Well, join us next week when we will have more guests who are so anonymous that they will make you feel like Michael Jackson and the Queen's non-so-secret love childe.


From the Producer: Here is the skeleton of a script. Just make the rest up as you usually do.

Francis Bacon: Welcome to today's edition of Live Skive, my name is Francis Bacon and today we will be talking about me. What is your favourite moment from all my shows on Live Skive? What is your favourite oneliner from my works of philosophy? Which of my great public offices do you think I excelled in the most?

I know that this is a topic that you have all been dying to talk about, and I am sure that you will have loads of great things to say about me...

[Two hours later:] And now for something a little different. The question that we are asking is what to say to the Bacon-deniers. Now I know that this is difficult to believe, but there are still some people, who call themselves Shakespearists, who still deny that I wrote all of Shakespeare. Despite all the evidence to the contrary and all the documentaries on the BBC and CNN and despite Baconists getting the lion's share of government funding for their researches and their colleges, there are still some people out there who think that there existed such a man as William Shakespeare, and that he actually wrote all that stuff. 

Well to show how broadminded we are, you will be hearing a range of views on the subject. We have with us today Prof. Anthony Bacon, who famously first proposed that Bacon-deniers should be hung, drawn and quartered without trial, a view that is now, I think we would agree, pretty orthodox... but pioneering in its day. Good to have you with us, Professor Bacon.

Prof Bacon: Good to be here.

Francis Bacon: And we have Mrs Anne Bacon, famous translator, and a woman.

Anne Bacon: Hi.

Francis Bacon: And we have Lord Burghley, who takes the rather controversial view that Bacon-deniers should be rehabilitated, if they consent to have all their toenails and fingernails pulled out at the Tower of London in full public view, and I am sure that we will have some letters about that later on...