Monday, 5 March 2007

LiveSkive News DriveFive

And now... it's over to Peter Alane and Rachel Heavyweight for tonight's Skivetime LiveSkive News DriveLive HiFive.

Thank you for joining us.

Tonight the CBB may exclusively reveal that we are the centre of a major news story.

The bad, bad government, who you all know is very evil for invading the peaceloving Shia and Sunni happiness community of Iraqistan, and for being too friendly with the Tyranical Dictatorland of Americaville, boo hiss, and for generally not doing what we want, when we want it now, has received an injucntion, through the Attorney General, from the Metropolitan Police, Peace Be Upon Them, to, er, shut up.

Now we are not allowed to tell you what is in this e-mail, which may not be an e-mail, and which may or may not have been sent from Ruth Turner, and possible or definately had a lot or little to do with Lord Levy, but after hours of stropping and huffing and puffing, we are now able to reveal that it is an e-mail that we are not to tell you about, and there it is: there is no story to report and nothing that we can tell you, but for the next fifteen minutes let's talk more about our not being able to talk about evidence from an ongoing investigation, because this is unprecedented, or at least very different, from a court case, where, er, we wouldn't be allowed to prejudice proceedings, er, anyway...

[Viewers, collectively: yawn]

Thursday, 15 February 2007

Heavy Leaves Falling Everywhere

[AAC Secret transcript: not to be leaked to Private Eye] And now for today's top story, the story of the millenium... and the one before that... and probably the one before that...

[slightly offended] Heavy leaves have been literally plastering some parts of South Wales and the Midlands overnight, causing the biggest fall of leaves since the Magna Carta. In parts of Birmingham and Coventry more leaves fell in ten seconds than had ever fallen since Darwin began evolution over 500 years ago. "According to our authorities at the Let's Take a Bet Office, "leaves fall off the trees most years, but we haven't see so many leaves precipating before. It's quite unprecedented." Scientists have been pouring in their thousands into our studios today to tell us that Global Warming is to blame. [Except for a few evil American scientists who are probably not real scientists anyway.]

Over now to our own correspondents in Birmingham, Coventry, Telford, Rugby, Kidderminster, Lichfield and Leamington Spa... (The AAC is the only Corporation to have correspondents based permanently in Birmingham, Coventry, Telford, Rugby, Kidderminster, Lichfield and Leamington Spa, not that they ever stand a chance of making the Six O'clock News, or anyone at hq knows who they are or even gives a damn!)

[In Unison (yes, we are all members)] Around me here is a scene of utter devastation as drivers desperately try to battle through at least two inches of leaves, which have fallen in the last twenty four hours alone.

All around Southern England are hundreds of lorries toppled over by the heavy leaffall, like this one here from our archive recordings, and every single school has declared a state of emergency and shall be shut for at least four months.

Our Birmingham Correspondent is on the line now from the Education Department at Birmingham City Council: "Yes, Simon, thanks. Birmingham Schools were the first to announce this morning their results, and we have just had declarations in from Wrexham and Oswestry, who are going to be shut for three months, but the surprise package is..." [Ed.: ENOUGH OF THAT!] Yes, we seem to have had some technical difficultly on the line there to Simon, but we will be back with him shortly once we've got that sorted out. Right now, moving on...

The Prime Minister has just broken off his latest foreign fact-finding mission to Tuscany to give this press release to a worried nation. [Long bit of Blair. Cameron? No cut the Cameron.] The Queen is said to be distraught and the Archbishop of Cantebury and leaders of all the faith communities in Britain are staying in close consultation even as we speak. According to Vatican sources, the Pope was said to be griefstruck when he heard the news and expressed his keenest sympathies for all the Britisher perzonnen vaging var against the such a blitzkreig of leafen.

We spoke to at least one worried local businessman who spoke about the devastating effect of today's leaffall on his week's takings.

Hajdeep Jones: Yes, well, yes, well, yes, well, the shop has been a bit quiet today, although that is mostly because Mrs Jones hasn't been able to make it down the road today, since she had her fall on Tuesday.

AAC Ace Correspondent: Yes, but tell me uneducated shopkeeper, what's your reasoned scientific opinion that Global Warming is to blame for the recent heavy leaffalls?

Hajdeep Jones: Well, yes, since we all emit too many greenhouse gases from our cars, particularly as during the recent hosepipe ban, global warming has caused acid rain to stop falling in the Amazon which is why there are so many leaves falling and your kind ten-man sound crew is giving me so much good business today for which I am so very grateful.

AAC Ace Correspondent: No, but, no, but, no, but, what would your advise your fellow shopkeepers and people from the village to do to cut down their contribution to Global Warming and the resultant heavy leaffall before we face environmental catastrophe when the world is going to end as we know it and the very future of earthen matter is placed in jeopardy?

Hajdeep Jones: Well, I guess people need to stop shopping at big nasty supermarkets with their big nasty cars and use nice environmentally-sensitive local stores like mine, where you can get a tin of beans from just £2.65.

AAC Ace Correspondent: So as Mr Jones here was saying, if we don't stop using our cars and buy a bus pass, then leaffalls like this one will become more and more common.

Over to Karen for the weather.

[aside] Right, boys, back in the truck.
[well to the side] I think we might need to edit that last piece.

Friday, 9 February 2007

Daily Lute Sports Pages

The Scotia Morris Dancing Team currently competing in the junior world championships in Kenyaland are losing to Kenyaland in the tournament final. Over to owr team back in the studio in Lundenne with more from Kenyaland.
"I didn't even know Scotia had a Morris Dansinge Team."
"Who is the Captain?"
"Let's see: I reckon it is one of Majid, Haj Gavin, Haimlton Brown..."
"Don't you think it is a bit riche of us Englishe to tease the Scotis. Look at how we, the home of Morris Dansign are suffereen performance-wisse in worold termes just now."
"Ah... ah... ah... well you see the difference is that English loose to good teams like Australiaburg and Zealand and the Indees, whereas Scotia have just lost in the tournament finale to Kenyaland."
"But surely no-one in Scotia even cares abut Morris Dansigne?"
"No... no... no... I think there will be billions of ordinarie Scotis standing by their locale beacon relay statione waiting for news of impending defeat."

Tuesday, 6 February 2007

Live Skive Radio

6 February 2007 6d
Two weeks hither, I did not know that such thinges existed, but since I started researchsign this four weeks hither, I ave been looking at the terrible problem of pro-obesity chapbooks. If you rummage through your neighbour's rubbish heap with an Oogle search, you will find hundereds of scurrilous pro-obe publicationes, saying things like: "Want to look like a Renoir model? You just need the willpower to just keep on eating." "Bones are ugly: keep them hidden."
These bad people keep telling each other to keep fattening themselves up, reports our renown journalist, I. M. He, and his opinion which I agree withe is backed up by all the expertus that aegree with us.
Last week, before we became aware of the problem yesterday, we became aware of the problem when we asked for obese folkes to write in. Shame on all those who wrote in on other issues, but laud the one middle-aged woman who wrote in every day with her diary of how this affecteted her catastrophically. "I wanted to be really fat. It is all the fault of Renoir and other celebrity painterse who have been badly influensinge me."
Next week: how much weight has our kingdome gained since the media has been talking all week about pro-obe chapbooks, and how the media should stop talking about it since they are the probleme to wit.