[AAC Secret transcript: not to be leaked to Private Eye] And now for today's top story, the story of the millenium... and the one before that... and probably the one before that...
[slightly offended] Heavy leaves have been literally plastering some parts of South Wales and the Midlands overnight, causing the biggest fall of leaves since the Magna Carta. In parts of Birmingham and Coventry more leaves fell in ten seconds than had ever fallen since Darwin began evolution over 500 years ago. "According to our authorities at the Let's Take a Bet Office, "leaves fall off the trees most years, but we haven't see so many leaves precipating before. It's quite unprecedented." Scientists have been pouring in their thousands into our studios today to tell us that Global Warming is to blame. [Except for a few evil American scientists who are probably not real scientists anyway.]
Over now to our own correspondents in Birmingham, Coventry, Telford, Rugby, Kidderminster, Lichfield and Leamington Spa... (The AAC is the only Corporation to have correspondents based permanently in Birmingham, Coventry, Telford, Rugby, Kidderminster, Lichfield and Leamington Spa, not that they ever stand a chance of making the Six O'clock News, or anyone at hq knows who they are or even gives a damn!)
[In Unison (yes, we are all members)] Around me here is a scene of utter devastation as drivers desperately try to battle through at least two inches of leaves, which have fallen in the last twenty four hours alone.
All around Southern England are hundreds of lorries toppled over by the heavy leaffall, like this one here from our archive recordings, and every single school has declared a state of emergency and shall be shut for at least four months.
Our Birmingham Correspondent is on the line now from the Education Department at Birmingham City Council: "Yes, Simon, thanks. Birmingham Schools were the first to announce this morning their results, and we have just had declarations in from Wrexham and Oswestry, who are going to be shut for three months, but the surprise package is..." [Ed.: ENOUGH OF THAT!] Yes, we seem to have had some technical difficultly on the line there to Simon, but we will be back with him shortly once we've got that sorted out. Right now, moving on...
The Prime Minister has just broken off his latest foreign fact-finding mission to Tuscany to give this press release to a worried nation. [Long bit of Blair. Cameron? No cut the Cameron.] The Queen is said to be distraught and the Archbishop of Cantebury and leaders of all the faith communities in Britain are staying in close consultation even as we speak. According to Vatican sources, the Pope was said to be griefstruck when he heard the news and expressed his keenest sympathies for all the Britisher perzonnen vaging var against the such a blitzkreig of leafen.
We spoke to at least one worried local businessman who spoke about the devastating effect of today's leaffall on his week's takings.
Hajdeep Jones: Yes, well, yes, well, yes, well, the shop has been a bit quiet today, although that is mostly because Mrs Jones hasn't been able to make it down the road today, since she had her fall on Tuesday.
AAC Ace Correspondent: Yes, but tell me uneducated shopkeeper, what's your reasoned scientific opinion that Global Warming is to blame for the recent heavy leaffalls?
Hajdeep Jones: Well, yes, since we all emit too many greenhouse gases from our cars, particularly as during the recent hosepipe ban, global warming has caused acid rain to stop falling in the Amazon which is why there are so many leaves falling and your kind ten-man sound crew is giving me so much good business today for which I am so very grateful.
AAC Ace Correspondent: No, but, no, but, no, but, what would your advise your fellow shopkeepers and people from the village to do to cut down their contribution to Global Warming and the resultant heavy leaffall before we face environmental catastrophe when the world is going to end as we know it and the very future of earthen matter is placed in jeopardy?
Hajdeep Jones: Well, I guess people need to stop shopping at big nasty supermarkets with their big nasty cars and use nice environmentally-sensitive local stores like mine, where you can get a tin of beans from just £2.65.
AAC Ace Correspondent: So as Mr Jones here was saying, if we don't stop using our cars and buy a bus pass, then leaffalls like this one will become more and more common.
Over to Karen for the weather.
[aside] Right, boys, back in the truck.
[well to the side] I think we might need to edit that last piece.